People often think we hate food.
———————————————————— It’s not about hating IT, it’s about being afraid -afraid to lose the control, what does the food do to your body. To eat, have food in you... see what i does. Lose control...
————————————————————-We don’t dream and overall think about food ALL THE TIME, because we hate it -if we would actually hate food, we wouldn’t waste our time to thinking of it. ————————————————————- It’s about being completely and beyond endlessly obsessed with food -it’s about still wanting it. It’s about it being something amazing, something so big, yet so scary -an exciting thing.————————————————————- I love food, i want food. I’m just afraid, so afraid. Not feeling empty anymore and losing the control, it feels unbearable and something i could NEVER do -maybe not even wanting to do? Just being a mess.————————————————————
But the raw and triggering truth of me is:
————————————————————- I know that i’m not SO ‘small’ and that’s exactly what’s in my mind ALL THE TIME. I want to eat, but i want to achieve my goals first -i want to look sick, i want to look anorexic. I want to achieve that before i allow myself to eat, to actually bloody eat, to not starve with the almost non existent food amount i’m forced to eat or ‘needing’ to starve overall. I want to let go and eat, my biggest wish is to eat. Sad? Yes. Sick? Yes. I know it. But i want to be anorexic looking sick girl before i eat, i want to achieve that goal before i eat. Then i can eat, i don’t have to starve anymore. Just that one goal.